madness...

I think I'm mad... Seriously, insanely mad... I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do... I don't know a damn thing... Sometimes, I feel that I've got it all figured out, but something has to happen to make me question that... I was dead sure of my commitment for the last 3 1/2 years, but what happened? Was it a wrong move or step of faith on my part? A month back, I would have blamed myself for it.. But at this juncture, I've come to realise that that was exactly the problem.. I blamed myself for every damn thing that went wrong with us that I didn't see the problems that laid with him. Ignorance WAS bliss.. Or so I thought... Or believed, wholeheartedly.. I was so wrong...

I honestly feel that the problems were two-way but not wanting to over-sensationalize things, I conveniently took the rap... Now.. The reality of it hits... I feel like a total fool... For feeling this way, for not dealing with it and for suffering the brunt of it.. Could I have handled it better? Probably, but I didn't..

So, where does that leave me right now? In a way, a sense of relief.. For the most part, a big hollow.. It's kinda like going for open-heart surgery... You just never feel the same again even though you're stitched back.. It's a weird feeling to have, though not necessarily a bad feeling.

It's like a paradigm shift.. You are transported into another dimension and for some insanely weird reason, you see things differently, and maybe clearer... And its never been truer when they say 'New doors open when you close the old one'.. The old door is still ajar right now but I don't really have the desire to nudge it open again.. And yet at the same time, it's difficult to close it completely..

It's kinda like an entry I blogged some time back about walking down a corridor... Right now... I'm walking down the corridor and there seems to be another door that's open... Turns out, it was always open, ever so slightly... I just never noticed it... Thing is, do I have the courage to open another door?