baby

-now playing You're Beautiful by James Blunt-


Sitting here in the wee hours of the morning really does things to one's emotional state of mind... I've been feeling rather emo lately.. Perhaps I have a reason to? Maybe.. Probably.. Who knows?

Your baby I used to be, your baby I'm no longer... Why is it so difficult to be able to trust someone? And yet, when you finally find the courage to do so, that trust is broken.. Literally.. And thrown back in your face. I admit, I'm not an easy person to get along with and yes, I don't work at trying to build people relations. I hate crowds and social gatherings, especially when I don't know the crowd. People see me for the bitch I am, the cynical one who always has to find fault with something before I grudgingly acknowledge its goodness. Yes, I am extremely disagreeable and mean.

But how many people actually know me for who I really am? You did... You broke through that tough exterior I worked hard at putting up... You taught me unconditional love... You changed me into a person I never thought I could be... For you, I would do anything... I know there was something special there... I felt it and experienced it... Surprises, though rare, were always deeply cherished... The first and only bouquet of flowers... The hut... The ring... You...
Why? Why did it have to be you? Why did you pick me? Why did you love me, make me love you, only to tell me after almost 4 years that it's over? I learnt to give in... Your approval meant the world to me... Your smile made my day... Your voice comforted me... Everything about you was special to me... Granted, you weren't perfect.. But I was willing to overlook and live with your idiosyncracies... Nothing else mattered... Just you, was enough...

And now, because of you... I trust no one... I can't love another because I have no trust... I don't even trust the decisions I make anymore... I fear commitment... I fear the obligations that come with it... I don't know what I feel anymore.. I just feel numb... I've cried till there were no tears... I've tried everything... But it wasn't enough... I've lost faith in myself...
I told myself I won't cry for another again...

To niceguy, I'm sorry... You knew this was happening, yet you gave it your all... I truly appreciate what you do... It can't be easy for you yet you're willing to wait and try... I can't give any promises... But I thank God for providing me a pillar of support... Thank you for just being there...
Perhaps time has the answers... I know God does... But right now, it seems that God has a 'Out to lunch' tag hanging on his door... 'Cos it's awfully quiet...