Tell me what I should do....


I'm in such a state of confusion that I don't even know what I should be blogging... Perhaps it will come to me as I keep typing...

Just when I thought things were getting better... I admit, I probably was at fault for calling so often.. I was just concerned... Apparently, it wasn't appreciated.. I ended up annoying you big time.. sorry about that..

I keep asking myself, "Am I not doing enough? Have I not compromised enough?" A time off was requested and despite my insistent objection inititally, I agreed... with much reluctance.. Last week was such a fabulous week, although not without its down moments. But still, I appreciated it... But this week has gotten off to a rotten start... and it's only Tuesday...

I feel so misunderstood... both at home and with you... Not a single phonecall came yesterday, though I probably have no right to even expect that now... So many things I wanted to share with you... Everytime something happens at work, at home or anywhere, the only person I think of sharing it with, is you.
I concede, you're very focused, to the point of even leaving me out of your life...

It hurts like hell and I try my best to occupy myself with other stuff... I make arrangements to meet my friends, do my own stuff.. Trying so hard... But I'm human after all, I have feelings and I have needs. But right now, I feel as though I don't have the right to want anything...
I'm trying to change, but are you giving me a chance to? Already you have that impression of me, no matter how I try, it's pointless because you won't allow me a chance....

Yes, I have friends but my friends have their own lives too and they have their own partners to care for... I try to fill that void that now but do you know how tough it is?
You wanted a time off, you got it... you wanted changes, i'm trying.. but what about what I want? Doesn't it matter anymore?

Last night was like a slap in my face but all I could do was swallow my pride and take it... I tried to be indifferent and act as though it doesn't hurt. All I wanted to know was if we were going to meet... I've learnt to accept a 'no' for an answer... If only you'd believe in me....